Mum very poorly today.

Mum said that this morning the carer pushed her into her room. Mum told another carer who told Mum 'shhh don't tell anyone, I will speak to her about it'. I went to get Trudy and asked Mum to tell her about it.
Mum was very sick and really pale. Trudy got Christine and they got Mum undressed, all the time Mum was pumping up and the smell was making me retch.
I left as they were getting Mum ready for bed as they had to change all of her.
Poor Mum - she look so frail and poorly. Old age is horrible.
I was sick out of the car window coming home and I can still smell it now evern though I have washed and changed my clothes. I know I will be like this all night. I couldn't help Mum and that makes it even worse.

Here we go again.

I wanted to go and see Mum this morning but he didn't get up until 11.30am!
Did hallway but could/would not do kitchen as bin was overflowing yet again.
He got up and then said he was going to walthamstowe to get some trousers - I said what time will you be back as I want to go and see Mum. He said he would be too tired when he got back.
Off he went and I went into the kitchen expecting to see the bin emptied - no he had left it again.
I am sick of this - all he does is go out and spend money on himself - nothing towards the household bills and he does nothing in the house. I really do not see why I should continue to privide a roof over his head, warmth and elctricity when he contributes nothing towards any of it.

I think I will ask Ann if she can take me up to Mum's tomorrow as I know she is poorly today.

Mum on my mind all the time.

I need to get myself together and start making plans. I know I cannot continue this way. Because I (mistakenly) sat in the front of the car he thought that gave him the right to be nasty again. This is never going to change so I have to do something about it.
My worry is Mum. I can get the council to move me out but how long before I can get Mum nearby? How will it affect her? I keep going over stuff in my mind but fear of what will happen regarding Mum holds me back from starting anew.
Everyone is losing out this way. The animals are not getting what they are used to, what they deserve, Mum is losing out as I cannot get to see her as much as I want to, I am losing out as I am desperately unhappy.
I wanted to live someone where I don't fear the key going in the lock, where I don't get screamed at, called names etc. But I also want to be near to Mum - is that impossible? I don't know. I only know for certain that the health services are no help at all.
I have to make an appointment with the housing but for me alone. Once I have done that I can make plans. As soon as I have somewhere else to live I can get Mum moved asap but again I come back to the worry of how it will affect Mum.
Part of me says that as long as Mum sees me often she will be happy but the dementia has taken a firm hold on Mum now so she may be afraid of the changes and I couldn't bear to give her more fear than she already has.
I think about Mum constantly and wonder what to do for the best - for both of us.
I just know that this way of life is wrong.
I found myself tonight saying soem things that were quite nasty, for me at least. I am reacting to how he behaves and I should be better than that. I have to think first.

Where is my Mum?

Went to see Mum yesterday - she is going further and further away from the Mum I knew.
Mum was still in the dining room and said she had eaten ice cream but no dinner. Why no dinner I asked - well it was roast potatoes and they get stuck in my teeth said Mum. She has lost so much weight.
I always buy Yardleys talc for Mum and always have spares at home. The carer told me yesterday that Mum would not let her put it on her. She will not allow them to open the drawer it is in.
I asked Mum why - she said 'It's mine and they want to take it for other people'. I tried to explain that they want to put it on her but I don't think I got through.
She won't wear some of the new clothes I bought for her as she is 'saving' them. I told her she has to wear them or I will take them home.
I also said that she has to use the talcs etc or I will take those home.
The paranoia is escalating so fast - it is worrying, upsetting and so far from the woman I knew as my Mum.
Mum cannot remember even Trudy's name and Trudy is her favourite person. I don't think she knows my name either!
What concerns me is her deafness is not being addressed by the home. Winnie, as usual, seems to think she has to prove herself and flusters me because of that.
Miguel appears not to have told them I am no longer doing Mum's washing. The hassle with oh got to a point where I could not take it anymore.

I went in with a heavy heart as I feel I am visiting a stranger and came out feeling even worse. I wanted to cry and cry and cry - for the loss of my Mum but mainly for myself.
I leave the home fighting to hold the tears back as I will not let oh see me weep as it can and sometimes does give him ammunition and I really cannot deal with that.
So I pretend all is well and put a smile on my face so the world cannot see the pain of losing my Mum while she is still here.

Who decided that I was capable of handling all this (Mum and Ray)? They got it so wrong. My past history should have sent up red flags. I was never good at 'caring' for humans - animals yes, humans no and I am floudering. I feel I am in a tiny boat being tossed by the waves and then every so often, more often that not lately, a giant wave hits me and the boat overturns. I splutter and fight to get up to the relative safety of the boat and breathe air again but my relief lasts only minutes as I realise that the boat is still in stormy waters with no land in sight.

Oh for those far off days when life was so carefree. I had a Dad and Mum and big brother - how lucky I was. Now there is only me.
My animals are my solace and I look at them and think how lucky I am that they share my life - without them I would give up.
I am so weak when it comes to dealing with difficult people (Mum and Ray) instead of coping, I lose the plot everytime.
Doctors and social workers are a waste of my time - they offer and promise but do not deliver.

Where is my Mum? She was last known by me to be laughing and chatting and so very happy - I think she took a wrong turn one day and cannot find her way back - I miss her so much it hurts.

Trudy is back and Mum is happy again.

Yesterday Mum was smiling when I walked in. She said she had be bathed 'by the nice lady who did it before'. Mum said she is so gentle with me and I really ejoyed my bath this time.
I had no idea who she was speaking of and Mum just kept saying 'the lady who was here before.
It was Trudy - I thought she was still poorly and did not know she was back at work.
I was delighted when I found out as I know Mum loves her and that Trudy goes in and talks to Mum.

Different subject but I need this out there and it will have an impact on Mum.
I phoned the doctors this morning and Dr Yellon phoned me back. I told him that I cannot take anymore, I will not take anymore. The abuse is hourly now and I just live from one minute to the next.
He has made an appointment for me tomorrow morning to speak to Dr Bell about Ray's behaviour.
I am not going to be fobbed off this time. I am at serious risk here and so is he.
I have made arrangements for my animals should the worst happen as I cannot bear the thought of my dogs going into police kennels.
I would have to get them sorted before calling the police.
If the doctor helps then this can be avoided. Ray can go somewhere where he will get what he needs/wants as he clearly does not get it here and I can live in peace.
It was very hard being with Mum yesterday as instead of rejoycing in her being happy, I was just enhoying the peace of being away from the constant abuse.

So sad, so upsetting so worrying.

After having a terrible day yesterday and then ray kicking off big time this morning - I went to see Mum. She seemed fine and I went to get a drink and saw Tom. He told me that Mum had refused to sit at the table with the other people and Mum went back to her room. They took her dinner to her and she refused and went back to the lounge. By then all the others had finished their meal and left the table so Mum sat and ate her meal alone and was ok. Even Frank seems to be on her list of people she dislikes now and she really liked Frank. Mum doesn't seem to like anyone anymore and her paranoia is frightening.
Her purse is hidden under her pants as she is afraid someone will steal it - it has all of three pounds in it!
She asked if she could come and live with me - someone could come in to look after her and she would help me with the dogs. I nearly broke down. I don't try to explain why it is not possible as she doesn't understand.
I am angry that nothing has been done to help Mum's hearing problems. She cannot hear the tv and today I called her 4 times (I was within 4 feet of her) before she heard me. Last week I saw a carer look very cross with Mum as Mum couldn't hear what she was saying.
How many more fights must I go through to keep Mum safe and cared for the way she deserves to be?

Mum is moving at great speed to the twilight word that is Dementia.

I took Mum's washing back yesterday and after I had put it all away came the part I now dread - talking to my Mum.
Mum stills knows who I am but that is about all. She fears so many things and is paranoid. I cannot re-assure her anymore - I cannot give her the comfort of that re-assurance and it breaks my heart.
Her conversation moves swiftly from one subject to another and I am still trying to work out what she was talking about 5 minutes before.
I look at that still pretty face and remember the laughter - how she would often wet herself laughing - as did I- now it's hard to see a smile.
For months she asked me how my Dad got home. I would say 'from where?' from the war Mum would answer.
Yesteray Mum said that Dad got special leave from Tyree as Mum was very ill in hospital and she said how did he get home? So at least I know which homecoming she is referring to. I just said the army gave him a lift and that seemed to satisfy her - for now.
I wonder where my Mum is.
She keeps having a nightmare - it is horrible but it is not something that ever happened to Mum - something similar happened to me and I think Mum is dreaming of that event and the powerlessness she felt to help me.
Dementia is a cruel, cruel disease - the fear of the sufferers cannot be helped and therefore they live with those fears 24/7.
Spoke to Miguel and he said it will be even more rapid now - what can you say to that - nothing. I just want my Dad to say 'ok gal you have had enough, come with me now'.

There are none so blind.

We have noticed in the last couple of weeks that Mum;s hearing had detiriorated very fast. I asked that a doctor investigate and arrange for some hearing tests.

AS usual nothing was done. This week Mum has been sick and felt very dizzy. ffs do these people know the symtoms of an ear infection?
Appearing to care and actually doing it are two very, very different things.

Lies, fear and downright carelessness.

Miguel the manager told the staff that I was to be informed of any incident involving Mum and I would decided weher or not to go there.
Sunday 24th January Ray and I went to see Mum. As I walked in tina called me and said she wanted a word with me. I asked what was wrong and she said nothing. She motioned to go into the office and when I did she shut the door! She then told me that Mum had had a very bad night. Mum had dreampt that she left the mission and there were three men in a van. They raped Mum and she had been a virgin. Mum was distraught and wanted them to call the police. Mum needed lots of re-assurance through the night as she was very upset and frightened - she thought the dream was reality. So she obviously kept ringing the buzzer (Mum rarey uses it at night but more about that later). The story I was told.At around 7am a resident who is allowed to wander the hallways pushed past the carer as she opened the door and walked into Mum's room and sat in her chair. Mum was still in bed. tina was called and called for tracy to come and take Mum to the dining hall. I thought this was because they would manhandle the man out of Mum's room and did not want Mum to see it and get more distressed. WRONG.
I went to see Mum aand she was upset and seemed very nervy to me. She never mentioned the dream only that the man had sat in her chair and she had to leave her room.
Just before lunchtime Mum needed the toilet so Dorothy took her and I was standing outside Mum's room when a A came along. I said good morning to him and instead of his usual politeness he sort of grunted. He then got upset when he got to the lounge and was told he could not go in there - leaking roof. They calmed him down and took im to the dining hall. Mum emerged from the loo and Dorothy escorted her to the dining hall. I trotted along arm in arm with Albert. When we got to the hall tina was sitting with A who seemed to still be upset. tine left as I started to get Mum's chair out for her. Suddenly A kicked off big time and was trying to hit E over the head with his walking stick. He knocked a glass of water over her. Dorothy went over to try to stop him. I stoof in front of Mum to make sure he never got near her. Finally another carer arrived and took E off to change her wet dress. A then started to attack Mr M - a small, quiet man. Mr M was so upset he left the dining hall. A was seated elsewhere and peace resumed. I was very very worried about this and I am sure the staff wished I had not witnessed it.
Since Mum went into the home she has had her sunday night supper in her room as supper is at 5pm and Mum likes to watch songs of praise.
On the very night that they should have kept her routine to make her feel safe, they took her to the dining hall for supper and the man who went into her room was sitting on the next table!!! Mum go up and left. I was furious when I found out later that night as we went back there.
Later in the week Mum was talking about Dad when she suddenly said 'I was in bed you know eh he came in here'. I thought she was talking about Dad and just nodded. It's not right he just walked in here'. I realised who she was talking about and said who was he with Mum. 'Just him' she said. I said wasn't there someone with him Mum? Mum said 'I just told you he was on his own. I asked are you sure there was no-one else Mum. Mum said He was alone they all came in after! Out of the mouths of the innocent?
Later on Mum said that the key was left in her door.

I think that the night carers got fed up of keep having to get the key when Mum buzzed that they left the doot open and that is how J just walked in.
The night carers have told Mum not to use the buzzer!!!!!!!

Last week it seems there was a meeting - all the professionals to do with Mum and the safeguarding team from Tower Hamlets.
Today I had a meeting with someone from camden social services. I phoned this morning to confirm the time and day as I thought it was tomorrow. She was not there but later she rang (spoke to Ray) and told him that it was today at 2pm but that she wanted to speak to Mum alone as she was assessing Mum.
No way. Tower Hamlets pay for Mum's care - they do the assessing and

Part one - the first couple of years in the home.

This blog is about the trials and tribulations of my Mum living in a so-called care home.
When Mum first went into the home she loved it. She made many friends and was well liked by the staff - they told me she was the only person who always said please and thank you.
She was grateful for every little thing they did for her. Everytime we walked in Mum was lauging and she was still laughing when we left.
Mum is a 'touchy' person and she soon had the person siting either side of her holding hands with her.
There were quizzes some afternoons when nothing else was going on and every wednesday the residents were taken out somewhere - Mum had a ball.
On tuesday mornings they made a cake to have later in the day and residents participate in the cake making.
On saturday mornings there was a church service held in the main lounge and Mum never missed a service - she loved them.
Saturday afternoon was bingo one of Mum's favourite pastimes and again Mum never missed her bingo sessions.
Some of Mum's new found friends were poorly and over a two year period all five died. When the last one died Mum was a bit lost and didn't seem to want to make any close friends again - understandable but she was still taking part in activities.