Where is my Mum?

Went to see Mum yesterday - she is going further and further away from the Mum I knew.
Mum was still in the dining room and said she had eaten ice cream but no dinner. Why no dinner I asked - well it was roast potatoes and they get stuck in my teeth said Mum. She has lost so much weight.
I always buy Yardleys talc for Mum and always have spares at home. The carer told me yesterday that Mum would not let her put it on her. She will not allow them to open the drawer it is in.
I asked Mum why - she said 'It's mine and they want to take it for other people'. I tried to explain that they want to put it on her but I don't think I got through.
She won't wear some of the new clothes I bought for her as she is 'saving' them. I told her she has to wear them or I will take them home.
I also said that she has to use the talcs etc or I will take those home.
The paranoia is escalating so fast - it is worrying, upsetting and so far from the woman I knew as my Mum.
Mum cannot remember even Trudy's name and Trudy is her favourite person. I don't think she knows my name either!
What concerns me is her deafness is not being addressed by the home. Winnie, as usual, seems to think she has to prove herself and flusters me because of that.
Miguel appears not to have told them I am no longer doing Mum's washing. The hassle with oh got to a point where I could not take it anymore.

I went in with a heavy heart as I feel I am visiting a stranger and came out feeling even worse. I wanted to cry and cry and cry - for the loss of my Mum but mainly for myself.
I leave the home fighting to hold the tears back as I will not let oh see me weep as it can and sometimes does give him ammunition and I really cannot deal with that.
So I pretend all is well and put a smile on my face so the world cannot see the pain of losing my Mum while she is still here.

Who decided that I was capable of handling all this (Mum and Ray)? They got it so wrong. My past history should have sent up red flags. I was never good at 'caring' for humans - animals yes, humans no and I am floudering. I feel I am in a tiny boat being tossed by the waves and then every so often, more often that not lately, a giant wave hits me and the boat overturns. I splutter and fight to get up to the relative safety of the boat and breathe air again but my relief lasts only minutes as I realise that the boat is still in stormy waters with no land in sight.

Oh for those far off days when life was so carefree. I had a Dad and Mum and big brother - how lucky I was. Now there is only me.
My animals are my solace and I look at them and think how lucky I am that they share my life - without them I would give up.
I am so weak when it comes to dealing with difficult people (Mum and Ray) instead of coping, I lose the plot everytime.
Doctors and social workers are a waste of my time - they offer and promise but do not deliver.

Where is my Mum? She was last known by me to be laughing and chatting and so very happy - I think she took a wrong turn one day and cannot find her way back - I miss her so much it hurts.