I need to get myself together and start making plans. I know I cannot continue this way. Because I (mistakenly) sat in the front of the car he thought that gave him the right to be nasty again. This is never going to change so I have to do something about it.
My worry is Mum. I can get the council to move me out but how long before I can get Mum nearby? How will it affect her? I keep going over stuff in my mind but fear of what will happen regarding Mum holds me back from starting anew.
Everyone is losing out this way. The animals are not getting what they are used to, what they deserve, Mum is losing out as I cannot get to see her as much as I want to, I am losing out as I am desperately unhappy.
I wanted to live someone where I don't fear the key going in the lock, where I don't get screamed at, called names etc. But I also want to be near to Mum - is that impossible? I don't know. I only know for certain that the health services are no help at all.
I have to make an appointment with the housing but for me alone. Once I have done that I can make plans. As soon as I have somewhere else to live I can get Mum moved asap but again I come back to the worry of how it will affect Mum.
Part of me says that as long as Mum sees me often she will be happy but the dementia has taken a firm hold on Mum now so she may be afraid of the changes and I couldn't bear to give her more fear than she already has.
I think about Mum constantly and wonder what to do for the best - for both of us.
I just know that this way of life is wrong.
I found myself tonight saying soem things that were quite nasty, for me at least. I am reacting to how he behaves and I should be better than that. I have to think first.
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