Mum very poorly today.

Mum said that this morning the carer pushed her into her room. Mum told another carer who told Mum 'shhh don't tell anyone, I will speak to her about it'. I went to get Trudy and asked Mum to tell her about it.
Mum was very sick and really pale. Trudy got Christine and they got Mum undressed, all the time Mum was pumping up and the smell was making me retch.
I left as they were getting Mum ready for bed as they had to change all of her.
Poor Mum - she look so frail and poorly. Old age is horrible.
I was sick out of the car window coming home and I can still smell it now evern though I have washed and changed my clothes. I know I will be like this all night. I couldn't help Mum and that makes it even worse.

Here we go again.

I wanted to go and see Mum this morning but he didn't get up until 11.30am!
Did hallway but could/would not do kitchen as bin was overflowing yet again.
He got up and then said he was going to walthamstowe to get some trousers - I said what time will you be back as I want to go and see Mum. He said he would be too tired when he got back.
Off he went and I went into the kitchen expecting to see the bin emptied - no he had left it again.
I am sick of this - all he does is go out and spend money on himself - nothing towards the household bills and he does nothing in the house. I really do not see why I should continue to privide a roof over his head, warmth and elctricity when he contributes nothing towards any of it.

I think I will ask Ann if she can take me up to Mum's tomorrow as I know she is poorly today.

Mum on my mind all the time.

I need to get myself together and start making plans. I know I cannot continue this way. Because I (mistakenly) sat in the front of the car he thought that gave him the right to be nasty again. This is never going to change so I have to do something about it.
My worry is Mum. I can get the council to move me out but how long before I can get Mum nearby? How will it affect her? I keep going over stuff in my mind but fear of what will happen regarding Mum holds me back from starting anew.
Everyone is losing out this way. The animals are not getting what they are used to, what they deserve, Mum is losing out as I cannot get to see her as much as I want to, I am losing out as I am desperately unhappy.
I wanted to live someone where I don't fear the key going in the lock, where I don't get screamed at, called names etc. But I also want to be near to Mum - is that impossible? I don't know. I only know for certain that the health services are no help at all.
I have to make an appointment with the housing but for me alone. Once I have done that I can make plans. As soon as I have somewhere else to live I can get Mum moved asap but again I come back to the worry of how it will affect Mum.
Part of me says that as long as Mum sees me often she will be happy but the dementia has taken a firm hold on Mum now so she may be afraid of the changes and I couldn't bear to give her more fear than she already has.
I think about Mum constantly and wonder what to do for the best - for both of us.
I just know that this way of life is wrong.
I found myself tonight saying soem things that were quite nasty, for me at least. I am reacting to how he behaves and I should be better than that. I have to think first.

Where is my Mum?

Went to see Mum yesterday - she is going further and further away from the Mum I knew.
Mum was still in the dining room and said she had eaten ice cream but no dinner. Why no dinner I asked - well it was roast potatoes and they get stuck in my teeth said Mum. She has lost so much weight.
I always buy Yardleys talc for Mum and always have spares at home. The carer told me yesterday that Mum would not let her put it on her. She will not allow them to open the drawer it is in.
I asked Mum why - she said 'It's mine and they want to take it for other people'. I tried to explain that they want to put it on her but I don't think I got through.
She won't wear some of the new clothes I bought for her as she is 'saving' them. I told her she has to wear them or I will take them home.
I also said that she has to use the talcs etc or I will take those home.
The paranoia is escalating so fast - it is worrying, upsetting and so far from the woman I knew as my Mum.
Mum cannot remember even Trudy's name and Trudy is her favourite person. I don't think she knows my name either!
What concerns me is her deafness is not being addressed by the home. Winnie, as usual, seems to think she has to prove herself and flusters me because of that.
Miguel appears not to have told them I am no longer doing Mum's washing. The hassle with oh got to a point where I could not take it anymore.

I went in with a heavy heart as I feel I am visiting a stranger and came out feeling even worse. I wanted to cry and cry and cry - for the loss of my Mum but mainly for myself.
I leave the home fighting to hold the tears back as I will not let oh see me weep as it can and sometimes does give him ammunition and I really cannot deal with that.
So I pretend all is well and put a smile on my face so the world cannot see the pain of losing my Mum while she is still here.

Who decided that I was capable of handling all this (Mum and Ray)? They got it so wrong. My past history should have sent up red flags. I was never good at 'caring' for humans - animals yes, humans no and I am floudering. I feel I am in a tiny boat being tossed by the waves and then every so often, more often that not lately, a giant wave hits me and the boat overturns. I splutter and fight to get up to the relative safety of the boat and breathe air again but my relief lasts only minutes as I realise that the boat is still in stormy waters with no land in sight.

Oh for those far off days when life was so carefree. I had a Dad and Mum and big brother - how lucky I was. Now there is only me.
My animals are my solace and I look at them and think how lucky I am that they share my life - without them I would give up.
I am so weak when it comes to dealing with difficult people (Mum and Ray) instead of coping, I lose the plot everytime.
Doctors and social workers are a waste of my time - they offer and promise but do not deliver.

Where is my Mum? She was last known by me to be laughing and chatting and so very happy - I think she took a wrong turn one day and cannot find her way back - I miss her so much it hurts.